Always A Happy Ending

Roman Orgy At Caesar’s Time, Henryk Siemiradzki,1872.

Roman Orgy At Caesar’s Time, Henryk Siemiradzki,1872.

The Sultanette Summer Reading Guide is here!

Too late for a summer reading list, you carp? Really? The Sultanette is willing to wager you’ve been more committed to polishing off pitchers of Margaritas than The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Besides, what I have to offer you, my discerning orgiasts, gives new meaning to the term, plot climax.

Clayton Cubitt’s Hysterical Literature is not so much a read as a voyeuristic read-to. A chance to sit back, plug into YouTube and make a dent in that literary bucket list. There’s Whitman’s Leaves of Grass read to you by Alicia, A Clockwork Orange (Amanda), American Psycho (Stormy), and Sleeping Beauty (Margaret). Read more . . .


Why Men Lie

Dishing with my colorist one day while getting a dose of honey blond highlights at a Mad Ave salon, we got on the subject of why men cheat on women. (I always build his invaluable gay man Male Harem advice into the extortionate cost of age-defying maintenance there.)

Joey’s brilliant take on men’s hot pants surprised even The Sultanette. Men cheat, he said, not because they can’t keep their dicks idle or because they can’t help from snacking on a pair of ripe melons or beefy buns. They cheat, he said as he foiled me up like a Christmas tree, because they like the intrigue.


I’ll Have The Snippy French Waiter, S’il Vous Plaît!

Waiter at Marly, Sultanette fave Paris haunt, Zoetnet.

Since when did it become impossible to enjoy lewd verbal foreplay at lunch, or a nooner if you’re getting technical? At a snazzy New York watering hole with The Impresario one afternoon, you couldn’t get a smutty word in edgewise between the fanfare required to introduce each course and the endless queries to see if everything was okay.

Like a virgin who has memorized the sex manual, our waiter – or “server” –  had all the right moves and all the wrong timing. I began to feel that I was responsible for his happiness rather than he for mine. Might he plunge into despair if I reported a soggy cheese croquette? He obviously hadn’t picked up on the cue that this lunch was but a snack before the main event – a detail any French waiter would not have failed to miss. Read more . . .


Vienna In The Nude

Photo: TheSultanette

“A place of pleasure for body and soul.” Mozarthaus

They still dress up in Vienna! At the Musikverein, the gilded Neoclassic Greek temple to sound inaugurated in 1870, The Sultanette was put to shame among the goddesses that showed up on a random Thursday night for Mozart, Verdi and Puccini.

I was in Vienna last week on a fact-finding tour solely for your benefit, worldly followers. So join me as The Male Harem achieves what the Ottoman Empire and TripAdvisor could not – invade and conquer this illusive town of lusty charms. Now back to the threads at the temple! … Read more . . .


The Things We Do For Love

Cruel Mrs Tyrants Bondage School, Eric,Stanton,1962.

Cruel Mrs Tyrants Bondage School, Eric,Stanton,1962.

Pretzels anyone? Or have you already twisted yourself into one over that romance you can’t live without? Relax and unwind. In case you missed Jo Ellison’s FT Fashion piece a few Sunday’s ago, “intimate is so last season.”

Okay so she was referring to the selfie-snapping rabble at the parties privé for the Alexander McQueen Savage Beauty spectacular at the Victoria and Albert. Nothing to do with our subject. But The Sultanette will never shy from gratuitously poaching popular culture to trick you into dealing with life’s important themes. Are you with me? Read more . . .