01/26/16

Do You Want Sex Or Düsseldorf?

Prostitutka, Boris Grigoriev, 1917.
Prostitutka, Boris Grigoriev, 1917.

The World Happiness Report is out! In its third survey since 2012, the United Nations reveals the happiest places on earth. Or so they say, reports John Kay in, “Why ‘happy’ is boring.”

I spotted Kay’s piece in the Financial Times Weekend last September, just as I was escaping New York City for three months in England. According to the UN, I had the wrong country. The winner was Switzerland. (We’re getting to Düsseldorf, intrepid globetrotters, restrain yourselves!)

As Kay assesses the findings, “Switzerland is rich, temperate and has some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world. … You feel completely safe in the streets. And yes, the trains run on time.”

“You can have that, I have plenty.” Heidi, Jessie Wilcox Smith illus.
“You can have that, I have plenty.” Heidi, Jessie Wilcox Smith illus.

Security, consistency, and the goodness of nature. That would be enough to seduce any sentient being, right? Isn’t this why so many retirees flock to golf courses? Or babysit grandchildren? But Kay has another take on the Alpine paradise: “Boring.”

Kay’s recent book, Other People’s Money was named 2015 Book of the Year by the Economist, Bloomberg and the FT. In 2014, he was appointed Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE) “for services to economics.” But what does a numbs and figs guy know about happiness? Everybody knows money can’t buy it, even though, like sex, we’d still prefer to have as much of it as possible.

Dusseldorf-Benrath, M Stephan.
Dusseldorf-Benrath, M Stephan.

This brings us to Düsseldorf. It comes up sixth in a study compiled by benefits consultants Mercer, and here Kay shows he can look beyond a spreadsheet. “There may be a surer way to end a promising relationship than to propose a romantic weekend in Düsseldorf,” he offers, “but it is hard to imagine one.”

Now we’re getting somewhere, Mr. Kay, or may I call you Johnnie? Do we want Düsseldorf or romance? Rational or sensational? Security or ecstasy? Are we after a livable life or a lived one?

Welcome to Peggy's place.
Welcome to Peggy’s place.

Casting aside polls for people, I invite you to Peggy Guggenheim’s eighteenth century Palazzo Venier in Venice, where her louche, eccentric spirit still lurks among one of the world’s most audacious art collections.

Was she a quirky socialite who slummed with creative types? A serious art connoisseur? A bag lady with a trust fund? A flighty romantic who chased from one lover’s bed to the next?

Peggy’s indomitable originality has always intrigued me, so I recently headed for the Film Society of Lincoln Center to see Lisa Immordino Vreeland’s documentary, Peggy Guggenheim: Art Addict.

I Know, Godromil, Venezia Biennale d’art 2007.
I Know, Godromil, Venezia Biennale d’art 2007.

If you are tempted to assign Peggy the role of Venetian vixen who flaunted her family fortune to play patron and pussy cat with the art crowd, prepare for disappointment.

The film, centered around a taped interview unearthed from a basement cache of books, brings the private Peggy out of her public persona with sympathetic detachment. The woman we see and hear suffered the death of her adored father when she fourteen (on the Titanic). Her certifiably narcissistic mother was no consolation. One of the “poor” Guggenheim’s, she endured the condescension of her posh and supercilious relatives, who disdained her taste in art.

Louise Nevelson and Neith.
Louise Nevelson and Neith.

She had an eye and she would follow her instincts. A young Lucien Freud made his first appearance in a children’s exhibition at her London gallery. In 1943, she organized the first show devoted exclusively to women that included Louise Nevelson and Frida Kahlo.

She was instrumental in the careers of Kandinsky and Motherwell. Not only did she take a chance on the work of undiscovered artists, she provided a stipend for the struggling Jackson Pollock so he could pursue his muse unfettered by the natty demands of survival.

During the war, she staged a brilliant scrimmage to prevent the German’s from appropriating her collection. She later helped put the Venice Biennale on the map. All of this while dealing with love, loss, and a botched nose job.

Peggy’s Palazzo, Jean-Pierre Dalbéra. Fondation Peggy Guggenheim "Torre: a Cor-Ten steel tower, with ogival windows, tracery and turrets in the International Gothic style, on the terrace of Palazzo Venier dei Leoni, overlooking the Grand Canal " http://www.guggenheim-venice.it/
Peggy’s Palazzo, Jean-Pierre Dalbéra.

But then the film asks the ultimate question: Did it make her happy?

Alas, Peggy never found lasting love. (To the question, how many husbands had she had, she was said to reply, “mine or other people’s?”) It’s been suggested that she was looking for too much love on all the wrong mattresses. That her serial romps were a desperate attempt to fill the vacuum left by childhood abandonment.

When the film’s director was asked in a Vanity Fair interview whether Peggy had pursued art as a safe harbor from the personal tragedy in her life, Vreeland responded, “[Peggy] identified with the art and the artists and found solace in all of it.”

Bill at the London Parliament,1995.
Bill at the London Parliament,1995.

A man’s happiness is seldom offered as a criterion of his accomplishments. His sexuality rarely shows up on the scorecard of a fulfilled life. While some may debate the merits of the Clinton presidency, few feel it necessary to analyze whether the skirt-chasing Bill was a happy guy. It is his long-suffering wife that we tsk at for putting up with his antics. It will probably dog her reputation even if she saves the free world.

“I’m a lone wolf,” Peggy says in the film. No apologies. You could say she was lousy at love and a shameless hussy. But must a lack of romantic closure deem her life unfulfilled? Or her sexual proclivity cast a shadow on her accomplishments?

To the growing minority who believe that art is important for life’s sake, perhaps Peggy Guggenheim’s singular passion for championing genius, supporting the unanointed, and risking a fortune on a new way of looking at things, might be enough to celebrate. That’s not about getting trains to run on time but a world that too easily rationalizes the banal might be unlivable without it.

Byron in Venice, Ivan Constantinovich Aivazovsky.
Byron in Venice, Ivan Constantinovich Aivazovsky.

Which brings us back to the United Nations Happiness Report. “Why do so many young people,” writes Kay, “go to London or New York in search of the excitement and creativity rather than the livable?” To answer, he takes us to the Floating City.

“Venice is crowded, hard to navigate, inadequately served by public transport, its public administration is hopeless and its commercial activities are corrupt,” he concludes, “but however often you have visited, the magic remains.”

No coincidence that Peggy Guggenheim made this uncooperative, impious, ineluctable city home. Düsseldorf anyone?

09/16/15

Space Travel: The Sultanette Guide To Wanderlust

Cocottes,1905, Axel Torneman, repro PD Posse Stryngford.
Cocottes,1905, Axel Torneman, repro PD Posse Stryngford.

The Sultanette has survived harrowing abandonment, deplorable betrayal, and world-class hangovers. Despite enough bad behavior to raise a nun’s eyebrow, I’ve managed to get home in the morning with keys, credit cards and lip gloss. To quote French tart and woman of letters, Colette, “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”

But who has time to reminisce? Now that The Male Harem has fueled my wanderlust, I’ll be heading for Mars on SpaceX as soon as Elon Musk offers in-flight Wi-Fi. Meantime I’ve signed up for another X-related adventure this fall.

View of Oxford,19C, William Turner of Oxford.
View of Oxford,19C, William Turner of Oxford.

No, not porn flicks, you wicked people! It’s Oxford I’m heading for (the one in England, not Ohio) for a ten-week course in European history – sex not included! (Unless an unscrupulous tutor convinces me it’s required for an A+ on my paper.)

So how the hell, you ask, have I pulled off getting high on education in “the city of dreaming spires”? That would require a multiple-choice answer: (A) Smart-ass Male Harem members stoke me to keep learning stuff. (B) Immeasurably kind friends are letting me freeload in their flat. (C) A fortune cookie proverb wedged in a framed photo at my computer (I’m looking at it now) inspired it.

Leopard in the Eye, Vinaypyatimani.
Leopard in the Eye, Vinaypyatimani.

The photo shows me grinning at camera poolside in a leopard-spotted bikini the year of my fiftieth birthday. On a hotel-quality towel beside me is Natalie Angier’s Woman, An Intimate Geography, a gender-bending source book that predates Caitlyn Jenner’s genitalia celebrity status. The proverb reads, “In order to remain young, one must change.”

While The Sultanette chooses less dramatic tacks than Ms. Jenner, I’ve learned in life that nothing beats a leap into the unknown to flush the cheeks and refresh the libido. It certainly had an effect on Caitlyn. Yet the hoopla over channeling her inner pinup on the cover of Vanity Fair begs the question: Why are we so uncomfortable accepting the way a woman defines herself until we can assign her a stereotype?

Serena by Pascal Kirchmair (Own Work), 2014, WikiCommons.
Serena by Pascal Kirchmair (Own Work), 2014, WikiCommons.

Anomalies like Caitlin Jenner or the erotically ferocious Serena Williams must be properly classified. Who do they think they are? Thankfully, the problem is resolved once a woman passes into the neutered safety of old age. Once she is post-menopausal, she becomes unassailable. What was a bitchy Millennial is now an adorably feisty octogenarian. The smart aleck is anointed guru. Raunchy is cheeky. What a gal!

If you don’t believe me, try googlng an American matriarch and watch pages of quotes get top SEO billing. The culture that claims being too highly evolved to put a woman on a pedestal elevates these wizened wisenheimers to oracles.

Platform stiletto,Terry de Havilland, 2007, Electra7 (own work), WikiCommons.
Platform stiletto,Terry de Havilland, 2007, Electra7 (own work), WikiCommons.

Let those who rail that a woman is judged by her looks head for the salon when 90-something accessory queen, Iris Apfel declares, “If your hair is done properly and you’re wearing good shoes, you can get away with anything.”

Authenticity-seekers heed the words of legendary Diana Vreeland: “A lie to get out of something or take an advantage for oneself, that’s one thing; but a lie to make life more interesting – well, that’s entirely different.”

closed-for-businessUnlike the Jenner’s of the world who are questioned for making media sensations of jumpstarting their vaginas, once a woman unplugs from her erotica we celebrate her booty news. Does “85-Year-Old-Wonder” Amy Greene (a former Glamour Beauty Editor whose outré statement is mismatched socks) have a boyfriend? New York Magazine reports her spunky reply: “I have gentlemen callers but I’m out of the vagina business.” Mazel tov!

microphones2
Microfonos, Installation, Rafael Lozano-Hemmer, 2008.

Why are American female role models required to be bastions of certitude? Has the clamor to claim “our voice” drowned out the notion that we can have our way in life without always having our say?

Don’t get me wrong. I admire the swagger of these accomplished dames. I only question why we feel the need to spin our role models into caricatures while other parts of the civilized world are satisfied with flesh-and-blood icons.

I offer the following quotes from virtuosos who have made their way with passion and purpose in less evolved feminist environments, yet are not above teasing out the answers:

“The more the years go by, the less I know. But if you give explanations and understand everything, then nothing can happen.” Anouk Aimée, “Goddess of Cinema Mythology” whose seventy films include A Man And A Woman, 8 ½, and La Dolce Vita. Eight-three years old.

Ready for your closeup? Alfred Cheney Johnston, c1920.
Ready for your closeup? Alfred Cheney Johnston, c1920.

“If you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful.” At eighty, the new face of Dolce & Gabbana, Sophia Loren.

“As you get older, naked stuff gets easier.” British bombshell, Helen Mirren. Seventy.

Film director and Ingmar Bergman muse, Liv Ullmann, when asked what she’d like to say at the end of her life: “I loved and I was mystified. It was a joy sometimes, and I knew grief. And I would like to do it all again.”

Spacewalk, Astronaut Nicholas Patrick, 2/17/10, NASA.
Spacewalk, Astronaut Nicholas Patrick, 2/17/10, NASA.

Which brings me back to fortune cookies, dreaming spires, and space travel. While the next stop is Oxford, I don’t intend it to be the last. To quote a youngster of fifty-seven years, Madonna, from her song, Jump, “There’s only so much you can learn in one place.”

Call me a dilettante. Accuse me of being a louche adventuress. I’m off to experience events unforeseen far away from home and more important, from what I know. But I will have my ashes scattered over Mars before I think I have all the answers or forget it’s a multiple-choice question.

Golden Rule Girl, 1943, John Vachon.
Golden Rule Girl, 1943, John Vachon.

Maybe one day, I’ll learn how to accessorize like Iris or cultivate Sophia’s knowing eyes. Acquire the naked confidence of Helen, Amy’s moxie, and Diana’s artful deception. Anouk’s seductive uncertainty and Madonna’s restless defiance. Or maybe I’ll settle for sultanette-in-progress, destination unknown, satisfied, mystified, and like Liv, ready to do it all again.

I invite you to follow the next installments of The Sultanette on sabbatical at Oxford. No matter what they try to teach me, I intend to learn something.

07/14/15

Why Men Lie

One Life to Live, ABC,1972.
One Life to Live, ABC,1972.

Dishing with my colorist one day while getting a dose of honey blond highlights at a Mad Ave salon, we got on the subject of why men cheat on women. (I always build his invaluable gay man Male Harem advice into the extortionate cost of age-defying maintenance there.)

Joey’s brilliant take on men’s hot pants surprised even The Sultanette. Men cheat, he said, not because they can’t keep their dicks idle or because they can’t help from snacking on a pair of ripe melons or beefy buns. They cheat, he said as he foiled me up like a Christmas tree, because they like the intrigue.

Spy by Lockedo.
Spy by Lockedo.

So! It’s the thrill of subterfuge that fires up the male libido? The titillation of collusion that fuels those stockpiles of testosterone? “What did he see in her?” we ask after the cad is laid bare. Forget the horny dude helplessly drawn to the femme fatale. It wasn’t her cleavage or canny vamping that got him. He was seduced by his own reckless maneuvering. How very … male.

If men can be so maddeningly self-involved in the harrowing business of cheating on their beloved no wonder the rest of lying is as effortless as flossing. Oh! sorry to be a spoiler, if you’ve harbored an opinion to the contrary. Yolanda the Sultana (RIP mum) spelled it out when The Sultanette was still in training bra. When I asked for her take on the species, this woman who was coddled by Adoring Dad for over half a century replied without hesitation, “Men lie.” It was as irrefutable as her recipe for apple pie.

Many years and ex’s later, those resonating words inspired a tenet to The Male Harem philosophy (see “rules” in The Male Harem FAQs) that has seen no exception. Case in point, Ivy League, Esq. looked me straight in the eye one evening and told me unequivocally that his divorce was a done deal. A few months later, having added up some contradictory timing factoids, I floated out the notion at dinner one night that perhaps the divorce wasn’t finalized after all. As casually as if I’d asked him to pass the truffles he answered, “Did I say it was?”

An Edwardian and his bitch.
An Edwardian and his bitch.

Battle-weary and on guard for snipers, Ivy gave me the answer he thought I wanted to hear – that he was baggage-free. How would he know that The Sultanette cares less about the relationship status of harem members than that they treat the women who inhabit their lives, be they daughters, wives, Labradors or emerging exes, as generously as I expect them to treat me? Ivy had simply applied the most expedient answer, i.e., the one that would let him get on with other things like getting into my pants.

Which brings us to another reason men lie. It’s just too much of a pain in the ass to tell the truth. Why distract an efficient scenario with the facts? The only tedious part is keeping the deceptions straight when they’d rather take a nap which is why they so often get caught.

The foolhardy deceive themselves along with the intended. There’s the Soap Opera Liar who is hooked on his own doleful melodrama. The Serial Liar who’s been spewing the same tired narrative since his frat boy days. The Clueless Liar who can’t separate his truth from life’s fiction. And the Binge Liar who periodically conflates his heroic self-image with no follow-through. Know any? Deny it and who’s the foolhardy one?

Come Fly With Me,1947, Gottlieb, Pub Domain.
Come Fly With Me,1947, Gottlieb, Pub Domain.

On the other end of the spectrum I had a truth collision with Hizzoner, a silver-haired lawyer, oozing with street smarts and shrewd candor. He invited me to dinner at my favorite kind of New York restaurant, a neighborhood Italian holdover featuring beefy guys parked at the bar, a chandeliered dining room with acne-faced busboys imported from Sicily, and Sinatra piped in the bathroom.

The evening began with truly dazzling tales of his scrappy childhood and hard-won successes as a litigator and political activist. But with each refill of pinot noir the script became more bombastic. By the tiramisu, I knew more than I’d bargained for including the status of his rocket libido, the babes who had succumbed to it, and the many whose advances had been spurned out of his respect for womankind.

Sensing my dampening ardor he became more zealous, unleashing a torrent of revelations. His intimate affiliations with rock stars and their VIP retreats. His average nightly hours of sleep (three) and cholesterol count (HDL/LDL). His devotion to children, deceased wife, army of siblings and their offspring. I had the sudden eerie feeling that while every syllable of the soliloquy was true, it was pouring forth from someone who had long ago ceased to exist.

At last, the mobile perched beside his plate came to the rescue, lighting up like a prison alarm system. He glanced at it, registered the caller and ignored it. Again It flared. Another glance and he mumbled, “That’s my daughter” before tapping off a text.

What I would have done for some foxy half-truths, otherwise known as seduction – the mastery of the Elegant Liar who makes you feel so divine, who cares if it’s true or not? I’ve yet to meet an American man with the panache to pull that off.

Scheherazade and Sultan, Ferdinand Keller,1880.
Scheherazade and Sultan, Ferdinand Keller,1880.

Have we become so obsessed with full disclosure, we’ve abandoned the notion that deception can be sexy? And if that’s the case, why should men have the corner on it? Along with breaking through the glass ceiling, isn’t it time that women claim their equal right to be liars, too?

The Sultanette offers the inscrutable double agent, Moura Budberg, as torchbearer. Born to a Ukrainian czarist family in 1892, she was contracted to marry an Estonian aristocrat. After the revolution he holed up on his estate and she took up with a British diplomat and began playing off the Cheka against the British Secret Service.

B. Russel w/ Keynes & Strachey, 1915, Natl Portrait Gallery.
B. Russel w/ Keynes & Strachey, 1915, Natl Portrait Gallery.

“It seems that Budberg had a flair for intrigue,” Elizabeth Lowry writes in her Wall Street Journal review of the biography, A Very Dangerous Woman: The Lives, Loves and Lies of Russia’s Most Seductive Spy by Deborah McDonald and Jeremy Dronfield. “Charmingly devious” she helped her British lover escape the Cheka by bedding its deputy head. Her “perilous sensuality” captivated Maxim Gorky, Bertrand Russell, and H.G. Wells who remained enamored until his death.

In 1921 Moura married eligible Estonian noble bachelor number two (it was rumored that she’d colluded in number one’s death because she didn’t like his politics) and became a baroness. When she died in 1974 at the age of eighty-two, she fessed up to “sins of all shades from the blackest transgressions to the most scarlet.” Lowry questions the sincerity of Budberg’s late-life mea culpa “in light of the rackety disregard for ordinary loyalties she displayed.

Baroness Budberg at 80 in her London apt,1972, Allan Warren.
Baroness Budberg at 80, her London apt 1972, Allan Warren.

But who did she betray? Some may lie for the intrigue and others for ideologies. Some lies are lazy and others brilliantly bold. But in the end, even Moura Budberg knew that the most treacherous lie is the one you tell yourself.

This above all – to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst then be false to any man.

Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 3

06/14/15

I’ll Have The Snippy French Waiter, S’il Vous Plaît!

Waiter at Marly, Sultanette fave Paris haunt, Zoetnet.

Since when did it become impossible to enjoy lewd verbal foreplay at lunch, or a nooner if you’re getting technical? At a snazzy New York watering hole with The Impresario one afternoon, you couldn’t get a smutty word in edgewise between the fanfare required to introduce each course and the endless queries to see if everything was okay.

Like a virgin who has memorized the sex manual, our waiter – or “server” –  had all the right moves and all the wrong timing. I began to feel that I was responsible for his happiness rather than he for mine. Might he plunge into despair if I reported a soggy cheese croquette? He obviously hadn’t picked up on the cue that this lunch was but a snack before the main event – a detail any French waiter would not have failed to miss.

Oysters Aphrodisiac, Javier Lastras via Wikimedia Commons.
Oysters Aphrodisiac, Javier Lastras via Wikimedia Commons.

So why does the French waiter get such a bad rap? Instead of bemoaning his arrogance and snippy indifference, The Sultanette suggests that he could teach us a thing or two about sex.

EXHIBIT A: Christina Nehring’s WSJ piece, “In Defense of the Notoriously Arrogant French Waiter” (February 21-22, 2015). Below the prickly exterior of these maligned maestros, Nehring writes, is “their oddly expressed eagerness to please; their expertise; their agility, and the beauty of what they provide and the way they provide it.” Now that’s a good lover!

Bemelman’s waiter, NY Historical Society.
Bemelman’s waiter, NY Historical Society.

No worries about performance anxiety among these garcons de café! One evening, ex-pat Nehring observes the waiter at her local brasserie “balancing eight wine goblets, a dozen stacked dinner plates and two water pitchers on his barbell-heavy silver tray” while stopping at one table and “plunging his free hand into his pocket to count out change, and at another table to crack open and pour a bottle of beer, his tray still perched on his upturned palm.” When she asks him how he pulled off this “virtuoso performance” he replies, “Il faut le faire amoureusement.” You’ve got to do it with love.

Like seasoned paramours, the French waiter and I want to please each other. I will appreciate his acute sensibility to my preferences and his experience in serving things up hot. He will enjoy my appetite for each new course, the way I sometimes defer to his suggestions du jour and other times demand extra sauce.

His notorious arrogance? My insolent requests? If dining – or sex – doesn’t come with a little power play, some experimenting, and a few luscious surprises – it can become as banal as pornography or as boring as eating the same meal every night. Where is the desire?

My loyal followers have previously been introduced to Christina Nehring on this blog. (See The Male Harem post, In Praise Of Being A Loser In Love.) In her book referenced there, Vindication of Love: Reclaiming Romance for the Twenty-first Century, Nehring celebrates the  shift of power between lovers. “This liaison in which power is constantly being renegotiated,” she writes, “is a force field alive as the ocean tides.”

Theater of Operations, Photo CourtneyPrice.
Theater of Operations, Photo Courtney Price.

Are we denying the tides of erotic tension when we tick off a checklist for a lover as if we’re choosing an apartment? (Sunny. Comfy. Safe. Lots of closet space for the baggage.) Whether it’s a one-night stand, a romantic fling or a lifetime lease, a liaison that isn’t open to the precarious thrill of uncertainty is a wet blanket between the sheets. “My French waiter and I? We keep each other guessing.

I was weaned on the art of it. Yolanda the Sultana, (RIP feisty mum) was forever baffled by my father’s inability to follow the script. Yet beyond the occasional tiffs until death they parted, I remember the sense of mischief that prevailed between these strong-minded souls to the last breath of their five-decade marriage. At the end of the day,” writes Nehring, “few of us want to feel that our passion is simply fair exchange.”

Read my lipstick, Photo Tiffany Bailey via Wikimedia commons.
Read my lipstick, Photo Tiffany Bailey via Wikimedia commons.

When the Good Ex and I were living in Paris, he hosted a business dinner one night at a culinary shrine along a grand avenue in Paris. The occasion was to celebrate the launching of the latest campaign featuring the latest New York super model selling the latest lipstick so girls in Lyon could get laid. I was the only woman among a cadre of bigwig businessmen who all looked like Francois Mitterrand. No doubt their wives were off with their lovers.

Feeling adventurous, I ordered the baby pigeon. (Leave it to the French to turn an air rat into a delicacy.) When the waiter who looked like Charles de Gaulle triumphantly presented the petit oiseau crowned like a little Caesar in a wreath of rosemary, I panicked. What was the proper method to jump its precious bones?

The Sultanette Serviette, Photo & Design, Courtney Price
The Sultanette Serviette, Photo & Design, Courtney Price

The men politely waited for me to take the first thrust. As I assessed the arsenal of cutlery at my place, our waiter, who had played his haughty role to the hilt, leaned over and discreetly whispered in my ear, “You may eat it with your fingers, Madame.” I don’t know that The Sultanette has ever gotten a better offer. Service compris.

 

05/19/15

Vienna In The Nude

Photo: TheSultanette
“A place of pleasure for body and soul.” Mozarthaus

They still dress up in Vienna! At the Musikverein, the gilded Neoclassic Greek temple to sound inaugurated in 1870, The Sultanette was put to shame among the goddesses that showed up on a random Thursday night for Mozart, Verdi and Puccini.

I was in Vienna last week on a fact-finding tour solely for your benefit, worldly followers. So join me as The Male Harem achieves what the Ottoman Empire and TripAdvisor could not – invade and conquer this illusive town of lusty charms. Now back to the threads at the temple! …

There was a Doris Day matching dress and coat ensemble, a Tina Turner-worthy number in a symphony of black leather strips falling from neck to stilettos – and lots of black lace in between. Lipstick was red. Bling was rampant. Making an entrance with museum shop bags after a day of  tourist schlepping, I went straight to my seat fearing the peacocks would have me banished for wearing ballet flats.

The Imperial Napkin Fold.
The Imperial Napkin Fold.

Quelle relief I wasn’t invited to a state dinner at the Chancellery where I would have been outdone by the napkins. Since the Hapsburgs ruled over Austria-Hungary, the Imperial Napkin Fold has been accessorizing the royal plate like a fascinator at Ascot. And if you learn the secret they’ll have to kill you because only two people know the technique which they pass on when they die.

I observed the Imperial Fold at the Sisi Museum, enshrined in a glass case surrounded by acres of silver, porcelain, and crystal for every courtly occasion. Sisi is the nickname of the Empress Elizabeth whose trademark diamond star jewelry, I snatched up in Swarovski at the gift shop for a less imperial price.

Photo: TheSultanette
“Sisi, can I come in?” The bell the emperor rang for entry in SIsi’s chamber privé..

Known as Austria’s Lady Di, Sisi was a captivating beauty and fearless horsewoman. Or was she the defiant wife who deplored her evil mother-in-law, ignored her husband the Emperor, and neglected her royal duties after the murder-suicide of her son the Crown Prince? Or was she the obsessive narcissist who favored a uniquely bodice-strangling “tight-laced” corset that constricted breath and blood flow.

Like Sisi, the beauty of Vienna is exquisite and asphyxiating. Voluptuous and haughty. Resplendent and sad. But just when you feel constricted in the tight-laced manners, officious smiles, and patronizing gentility, all the clothes come off.

"Hold Me Anyway" Tracy Emin at the Leopold.
“Hold Me Anyway” Tracey Emin at the Leopold.

There are nudes galore at the Leopold Museum – embracing, fucking and full frontal. At the exhibition “Where I Want To Go” (April 24-September 14) artist Tracey Emin, referred in an FT review as the “new generation of feminists” credits her inspiration to brilliant bad boy Egon Schiele, who exposes himself on the walls in self-portrait.

Though separated by one-hundred years, Emin shares Schiele’s “fondness for the spontaneous moment” and his “fragility of being.” A series of her black and white sketches titled “Hold Me Anyway” throb with the tentative thrill of the erotic present. Schiele’s semi-clothed portrait of a woman suggests a caught interlude of passion on the run.

Photo: TheSultanette
Love on the run? Egon Schiele at the Leopold.

The Viennese pretend it’s easy to find where you want to go.  “Just take a left and two rights and you’re there,” they assure. What they don’t remind you is that the city is a circle, so there is really no left or right, only tacking and jibing. When the kindly maître d’ at Purstner, home of the ultimate Weiner schnitzel, pointed this out I was especially grateful since The Sultanette had just consumed a slice of breaded veal the size of a Frisbee and was preparing to waddle back to the hotel.

Photo: TheSultanette
Bed check, Hotel Imperial.

For the rest of my stay, I tossed the map and applied a life lesson: If you go in enough circles you eventually get to your destination. So when the concierge at the Hotel Daniel told me that the Belvedere Palace was just out the door to the right, I was dubious. How could that ponderous edifice share the same hood as my hotel, a cheery slice of eccentric chic and global goodwill? Travel Tip: Unless you’re lucky enough to have a night of sin at the sumptuous Hotel Imperial (The Sultanette cannot live on schnitzel alone!) there is no smarter spot than the Daniel for its friendly vibe, cheeky atmosphere and comfy digs.

The Kiss, 1909, Gustav Klimt, Osterreichische Galerie Belvedere.
The Kiss, 1909, Gustav Klimt, Osterreichische Galerie Belvedere.

But on to the Belvedere which appeared just around the corner as predicted. I fired up the museum’s audio device and began the trek along its gilded walls, cavorting putti, and marble halls documenting Napoleon’s treachery and demise. (Speaking of dressing up, the Austrians love their armor, on display at the Bibliotek.) Nearly numbed by military regalia and missing the unembellished passion of entangled flesh at the Leopold, I wandered into the next gallery and there it was. Man embracing woman. The primal swoon. “The Kiss” by Gustav Klimt.

Photo: TheSultanette
Sigmund at the MAK Museum.

I joined the crowd gathered around it like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre and punched in the audio device for some edifying art speak. But this city where Freud, Kafka and Wittgenstein parsed the meaning of sex and life in cafés that celebrate them to this day, was not about to spoonfeed predictable romantic pablum into a museum recording.

This Kiss, said the voice, represents sexual ambiguity. The woman’s face is turned away from her lover, not in ecstasy, but in conflict between submission and rejection. Say what? How could this love icon reproduced on notepads, tote bags, refrigerator magnets, scarves and umbrellas symbolize rejection! It wasn’t just a painting, it was a brand. And forget about the rest of the world, we Americans don’t like our brands tampered with.

Even the French treat us better in their City of Love! Unlike the Paris café where you are left alone to people-watch or read the Herald Tribune, the Viennese café demands due diligence. Choosing one begs a knowledge of which philosophers, writers, artists or profligates hung out where. A degree in military history is helpful when selecting your pastry, as in the Sacher Torte, created by Franz Sacher for Prince Metternich in 1832. And ordering coffee – brown or strong, milk steamed or frothed, cream on top, bottom or side –  requires cracking a Napoleonic code.

On my last afternoon, tired and hungry after taking in the ruins of Ephesus and four centuries of harmoniums at the Bibliothek, I limped past a shop window filled with fancy pastries. It was the Gerstner, appointed imperial court confectioner in 1873. While I yearned for Yankee comfort food that didn’t have a 200 year pedigree, I needed a sugar fix.

Photo: TheSultanette
See, Hear, Taste, Touch, Smell. FIve Nudes, Hans Makart, Belvedere Palace.

I entered the polished marble and varnished interior and took in a confounding display of museum-quality confections in a glass case. Too exhausted to discriminate, I chose a pink petit four for the price of Sisi’s crown jewels. Back out on the street, I peeled away its pleated paper doily and bit into the marzipan shell. The sensation was immediate and astounding. Between my fingers was a mini-wedding cake. Three tender layers of vanilla separated by three layers of creamy sweetness crafted to sensorial perfection for an emperor’s royal palate.

Vienna’s rigidity rankles. Its elegance intimidates. Its stunning beauty is always just out of reach. I had pursued it with cognoscenti, paramour, and incognito. I had invaded its concert halls, churches, castles, cafés, galleries and museums. Yet it had remained maddeningly unyielding. And then in one spontaneous moment of desire satisfied, I found Vienna melting in my mouth.