08/12/14

Loving On The Edge

Eyes of a Tiger, Arendra37.

Eyes of a Tiger, Arendra37.

SINGLE MAN SEEKS adventurous female with passion for travel and curiosity for life. My hobbies include fencing and snake charming. Speak twenty-eight languages. Briefly endured Oxford. Enthusiastically agnostic. A fave Saturday night is hosting a simian dinner party to catalog the vocabulary of monkeys. I also enjoy exploring forbidden locales in disguise and have discovered the source of the Nile. Full disclosure: I’ve called marriage a barbarous and indelicate exhibition but am open to it provided you’re okay with random disappearances for indefinite lengths of time. Friends insist I have the eyes of a tiger and the voice of an angel but you’ll be the judge of that. Having done extensive research on the erotic impulses of apes and sexual practices of the Swahili, I can make you very happy. Read more . . .

07/21/14

The Sultanette Does D.C.

Washington_Monument_-_Washington,_D.C.For those of you who’ve kept your sparklers sizzling waiting for The Sultanette’s debriefing on her Fourth of July mission to Washington (see previous post) your patience is rewarded with excellent news. Cast away those images of ruddy-jowled senators drawling on C-Span, hordes of wailing children at the Smithsonian, and crowds in corny T-shirts massing around the Capitol. Washington, DC is sexy!

For starters, its most prominent monument is The Big Penis. I was struck by its gargantuan presence from my first cab ride after arriving at curvaceous Union Station, a far cry from New York’s dissolute Penn. Upon boarding the Acela Express there, I had asked an Amtrak employee which was the Quite Car. Sizing me up, she nodded behind her and said, “It’s right here but you don’t look very quiet.” Read more . . .

06/2/14

Knock, Knock … Who’s There?

Hand_Shaped_Door_Knockers-JaffaI know, I know, virtuous readers, you’ve had it with The Sultanette’s tales of sadomasochism, dominatrix couplings, and courtesans gaming the system. So as a break from unbridled fornication and low-life’s, I’m taking you on a picnic with celebrated harpsichordist and Victorian lady, Violet Gordon Woodhouse.

It’s August, 1899. Violet has ordered a wardrobe from Lady Warwick’s for the occasion, a horse-drawn caravan to New Forest with her lady’s maid, Dulciette, husband Gordon, and his Cambridge chum, Bill Barrington. Gordon has filled the hampers with homemade tarts, early plums and gooseberries, foie gras and fromage from Fortnum & Mason, American ham, Belgian chocolates, wines from the cellar, and the cook’s cordial. Read more . . .

03/27/14

A Miracle Pill for Marital Bliss? Depends On How You Swallow It.

Fish_Oil_CapsulesA warning to all women in long-term relationships. According to The New York Times you are suffering from HSDD (hypoactive sexual-desire disorder) registered in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder as SIAD (sexual interest/arousal disorder) and otherwise known to The Sultanette as POFB (plain old fucking boredom). To wit, you’re “tired of sex” with your partner and you need a pill.

If you doubt this, be assured by the Times’ images of gently aging women copping clueless poses that accompany last May’s Sunday magazinepiece by Daniel Bergner, “Unexcited? There May Be A Pill For That.” Apologies for not reporting this late-breaking news sooner but since it’s an indisputable fact that we women have sluggish sex drives, what’s another few months of abstinence? Read more . . .

11/6/13

In Praise Of Being A Loser In Love

“I weary in this playground of boys proud and happy in their balls and marbles.”

Margaret Fuller

Joe Mabel.

Joe Mabel.

Full disclosure: The Male Harem was born out of heartbreak and emotional mayhem. More on that after we cut to the chase – the sense of failure, abandonment, and incompetency at not getting it right after love is lost. The Big Ouch. Perhaps most of you have breezed right through that but for those who haven’t, The Sultanette offers inspiration in the life of Margaret Fuller.

Brilliantly documented by Cristina Nehring in A Vindication of Love, while Margaret Fuller’s accomplishments were vast, acknowledged, and esteemable, her love life was a series of train wrecks. Read more . . .